|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
Teen Sexuality - 11/18/2008 5:05:29 PM
|
|
|
cynthia
Posts: 8076
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: offline
|
If I seem concerned about this issue, it's because I have a fourteen year old daughter and a daughter about to turn twelve who is growing rapidly and already catching the attention of a neighborhood boy. 
My eldest daughter, TL, has a friend who is sexually active and has friends who are dating. She has a wide age range of friends. One of her friends is sexually active and my daughter is very concerned about her. Her parents are aware and are trying to correct the issues the girl is having, but they don't seem to be making much progress. This is a topic of great concern to my daughter and she talks to me about her concerns and asks me for further information, so she will have answers when her friend brings things up. She is also learning to be pretty blunt about not wanting to talk about certain things with her friend that make her uncomfortable, because they are inappropriate conversations.
Anyway, I saw this article on msn and found it to be so sad. I wasn't shocked, as I've been reading up on this issue and discussing these things often with my 14yo in particular and to a lesser degree my younger daughter. The kind of behavior described in the article is rampant.
What do you think about this? Are you embarrassed to talk to your children about these issues? Are you children embarrassed to talk to you about them?
In our home, all my embarrassment left after my daughters got to the ages that they were asking very specific questions and talking to me about what their friends were saying. We have had many in-depth conversations. My 14yo has been studying information on STD's and is now armed with statistics. She is studying the Renaissance and how some famous people during that era that likely died of STD’s. Her history program included a study of STD’s.
Of course we discuss living a lifestyle of purity and how we keep our thoughts pure. We try to have a lifestyle that is wholesome and godly; teaching our children not only in word, but in deed as well.
I think this is an extremely important topic for parents to be well informed and speaking to their children about.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Teen Sexuality - 11/18/2008 6:52:24 PM
|
|
|
pbaribeault
Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: offline
|
I found the article interesting. In order to properly interpret the statistics, I'd have to know who Tyra Banks is, what her show is generally about etc. Every stat must be read as "Teen girls who watch this show and like it enough to go on the website about it ... on average do whatever at such an age." ... But it seems like its an adult women's daytime show? How do kids in school become interested in that?
And the show is being sensational... if the stats are correct, their guests should be about 2/3's lost-virginity, with less than that being currently sexually active, and only half of the sexually active choosing not to use protection. Eight guests would mean 2 or 3 virgins, 1 or 2 not-virgins but not currently active, 4 currently active with 2 protected and 2 not. That's still bad, but it's accurate to their own numbers rather than sensationalized.
There is a problem in teen culture, and it is worse in some sub-cultures, which I think this is drawing from -- but maybe I'm out-to-lunch. I think early loss of virginity leads to a lot of these high risk choices, there are a lot of power dynamics and longing-for-acceptance sorts of quotes. (I think longing for love and power/fear have just about got to be part of any loss of virginity experience at 12 or 13 -- not to mention intentional conception at 16 has got to be about love.)
What can we do about power, dignity and real love? I don't know about the general public, but I know that I'm trying to get at those sorts of core issues with my very young girls. The love of God is real, and it can help ease those dynamics if it is lived out.
I admire your open discussion with your dd about these things. You must have a real touch tor these conversations -- any tips? Part of me would want to say that anybody who is sexually active and talking about it to my girl is the kind of bad influence that hurts the purity of her thought life... but I think I like your choices better than my instinct to try to shove such a girl to arm's length.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Teen Sexuality - 11/19/2008 1:38:29 AM
|
|
|
cynthia
Posts: 8076
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
I found the article interesting. In order to properly interpret the statistics, I'd have to know who Tyra Banks is, what her show is generally about etc. Every stat must be read as "Teen girls who watch this show and like it enough to go on the website about it ... on average do whatever at such an age." ... But it seems like its an adult women's daytime show? How do kids in school become interested in that?
Sorry, I didn't mean Tyra's statistics. I mean real, properly researched statistics. I never watch Tyra's show. But I did find the article interesting and indicative of teen culture today. She seems like a very misguided and strange person to me. I think a lot of girls watch these kinds of things after school or in the evenings. My parents didn’t monitor my television viewing when I was a teen and I don’t think today’s parents are much different. I think, however, that most of the parents responding on this forums are paying attention, otherwise I don’t think they would be on this forum unless they are suddenly aware of trouble and looking for help.
quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
And the show is being sensational... if the stats are correct, their guests should be about 2/3's lost-virginity, with less than that being currently sexually active, and only half of the sexually active choosing not to use protection. Eight guests would mean 2 or 3 virgins, 1 or 2 not-virgins but not currently active, 4 currently active with 2 protected and 2 not. That's still bad, but it's accurate to their own numbers rather than sensationalized.
I would think it is somewhat sensationalized, but in reading I have found that a huge percentage of teenaged girls are sexually active. Our culture tells them it is normal. They are taught in school sex education classes that it is normal and how to prevent STD’s and unwanted pregnancy. I was in school 25 years ago and they passed condoms around in health class. I wonder what they are teaching these days.
quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
There is a problem in teen culture, and it is worse in some sub-cultures, which I think this is drawing from -- but maybe I'm out-to-lunch. I think early loss of virginity leads to a lot of these high risk choices, there are a lot of power dynamics and longing-for-acceptance sorts of quotes. (I think longing for love and power/fear have just about got to be part of any loss of virginity experience at 12 or 13 -- not to mention intentional conception at 16 has got to be about love.)
I don’t know a lot about teen culture, except what I am reading and what my daughters tell me. I think my children are pretty sheltered, but they are still exposed to a lot of things amongst their peers in various settings, including church youth group. From what I have read, the majority of teens lose their virginity before graduating from high school and STD’s are rampant.
quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
What can we do about power, dignity and real love? I don't know about the general public, but I know that I'm trying to get at those sorts of core issues with my very young girls. The love of God is real, and it can help ease those dynamics if it is lived out.
How old are your girls?
My husband and I make sure to spend time really listening to our children and talking to them. We snuggle with them and touch them affectionately. We need to make sure they get the physical touch they need in a healthy way. We teach them that their bodies are beautiful, but private and belong to them to care for. We have a bedtime routine where we kiss and hug each of our children every single night. My fourteen year old is as much in need of this as the younger ones. People need loving touches.
We speak very specifically to our children about the fact that they have power in their lives and when they surrender to the Lord and make good choices they will be happier and healthier. We try to provide a good example to them. Sometimes we fail, but generally I think we are doing well.
We walk our faith. We pray with our kids a lot over personal issues, privately. They often come to uses for prayer and help with their struggles. I am the first one they come to when they face a situation they don’t know how to handle. I’ve had my kids leave their friends to seek me out and run something by me, on numerous occasions. They trust me and know that the advice I give works, so they keep coming back, but they also learn and grow, so their issues become more complex. That is the idea. By the time they leave the nest, they should be very secure and ready to face life from a position of power and a strong sense of value in who God has made them to be. That’s the plan at least!
quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
I admire your open discussion with your dd about these things. You must have a real touch tor these conversations -- any tips?
Thank you. I don’t think I have a particular touch. I’m a mother whose mother was not in touch and as much as she loved me, she really didn’t find out how to relate to me and learn to parent me into adulthood. I made a lot of very bad choices and want to make sure I do all I can to instill truth in my children and to help them through the mine field of teen life.
My mother also didn’t feel she had power to instruct me and help me learn to make good decisions. By the time I was a teenager, I didn’t think what my mother said to me was relevant. She really didn’t understand me and did not have answers to my questions. She would get upset and tell me that I asked things I shouldn’t be thinking about. I never do that to my children. If they are thinking of things they shouldn’t be thinking about we talk about why and pray about it. We work it out together. Parents have a great deal of power in the lives of their children if they stay on top of things and really know their children and work to constantly stay relevant and keep their relationship growing. I know my kids better than anyone else. When they are younger I know them better than they know themselves.
I have made an effort from early on to listen to my children and to respond to them according to what they are telling me. I take advantage of conversational opportunities and speak them about matters of deep importance to their lives. It is very important to me that they are able to come to me and trust me. My fourteen year old daughter told me that I am her best friend. She respects me and trusts me, as an authority in her life, but also as a mentor, because I have taken years of working with her to build that relationship. It’s about really paying attention, listening and caring. And not freaking out when they come to me with something serious or important on their hearts. I have to be the strong one who they know can take whatever it is they need to talk about. They need to know that if I don’t have the answer I will find it. They know that the Truth is from God and we can pray and seek together and find the what He has to say on a matter.
quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
Part of me would want to say that anybody who is sexually active and talking about it to my girl is the kind of bad influence that hurts the purity of her thought life... but I think I like your choices better than my instinct to try to shove such a girl to arm's length.
Part of me has thought that repeatedly; the arms length thing. I have had a lot of conversations with dd about what is and is not appropriate for conversation and how to deal with things that come up that are not appropriate. It’s actually been very good, because she is learning how to stand firm and not be afraid of doing the right thing. When something inappropriate comes up, my daughter knows it because she feels uncomfortable. I explained to my daughter that the discomfort is due to the inappropriate nature of the girl’s conversation and we did some role playing to work through it for the future.
The girl is actually very sweet, but she tends towards self-pity, which I think is the root of her problem. My dd has picked up pamphlets from Human Life organization about STD’s and sexual exposure from the fair in the summer to share with her friend. Recently her friend told her that her mother had taken her to the doctor to be tested for STD’s. My daughter was a bit worried about offending her friend, but she was more concerned for her than anything else. She told the girl that she had read some statistics and quoted them to her friend, who seemed shocked by the truth of it. Dd then gently told her friend that she thought her mother wasn’t trying to offend her, but was trying to protect her. Her mother told me the other day that her daughter admires my daughter and that she (the mother) is personally impressed with my girls. I thought that was a lovely compliment.
So while I do feel concerned and do not want the girl giving my daughter details that will be bad for her thought life, we have talked about this extensively and prayed about it together. She knows how to respond in time and put a stop to anything that is inappropriate. She has contact with this girl through Girl Scouts and they are going to be doing some studies on science together. We will be discussing the boundaries and there will be a time frame for the studies. Mostly they will be doing labs together with the microscope. My daughter is very social. She is also homeschooled, so she doesn’t have the same exposure to this kind of thing that would have in school. I feel that she needs to be able to learn how to cope with these issues and learn to set good boundaries at this stage. This is a really good opportunity for her to do that in as safe an environment as she is going to get while still really having the opportunity to stretch and grow. She also wants to be a positive influence on this girl without the girl having a negative influence on her. As long as we keep the lines of communication open and she is coming to me about these things, I feel pretty good about this.
< Message edited by cynthia -- 11/19/2008 1:48:13 AM >
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Teen Sexuality - 11/19/2008 9:27:49 AM
|
|
|
stampinlady
Posts: 1522
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Northern IL
Status: offline
|
quote:
My mother also didn’t feel she had power to instruct me and help me learn to make good decisions. By the time I was a teenager, I didn’t think what my mother said to me was relevant. She really didn’t understand me and did not have answers to my questions. She would get upset and tell me that I asked things I shouldn’t be thinking about. I never do that to my children. If they are thinking of things they shouldn’t be thinking about we talk about why and pray about it. We work it out together. Parents have a great deal of power in the lives of their children if they stay on top of things and really know their children and work to constantly stay relevant and keep their relationship growing. I know my kids better than anyone else. When they are younger I know them better than they know themselves.
The only thing I would add to this would be to not let the "church" raise your children. My christian parents never ever talked to me about sex when I was a teen. Oh, mom had the "girl" talk, but never the do's and don'ts.
Dh and I have a very open relationship with both our teens, (dd15,ds14).
Not to derail the thread, but how important is small group for your teens? We're attending a new start up church and they don't have a youth group nor have they started small groups for the teens yet. I have mixed emotions about youth groups, but know that teens need good christians friends to hang with and share.
_____________________________
Deb
"You don't need a New Year's Resolution, you need a Resurection! Dr. Tony Evans
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Teen Sexuality - 11/19/2008 9:30:03 AM
|
|
|
zoebob
Posts: 8872
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
Status: online
|
Our church has a good youth program. Our leaders work with parents and never want to over-ride parents wishes. the YP's wife just started a Bible study for middle school girls that my girls have been going to. It's every other Tuesday and I think they like it and are learning.
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Teen Sexuality - 11/19/2008 10:13:55 AM
|
|
|
stateofgrace
Posts: 1950
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
This is a topic that just became very relevant to me.
My girls (15 and 19) have kept on track - and I credit a combination of things - their own personalities, being raised with the confidence that waiting is not only godly but also a sign of personal strength, a loving Christian dad (and mom!), developing the kind of relationship with them where they know they can talk to us about anything, and having a good strong Christian youth group - including small groups - through their teen years.
Now, they have both known girls who are sexually active, girls who have gotten pregnant, as well as girls who have gotten caught up in things like binge drinking. I think these situations have actually made them more cautious. One of the most frightening things my older daughter had to deal with was one of her best friends' binge drinking.
Now - my 14 yo niece doesn't have any of the things my girls have going for her. Her mom and dad (who are still married) are professing Christians but each has serious, serious personal problems. Mom has some serious mental health issues, and has not ever been stabilized as far as treatment. Dad has serious anger issues and is very disengaged from the children.
I just found out recently that my niece is 1) very likely sexually active, 2) smoking cigarettes, 3) very likely smoking pot (which apparently her brother is in on as well), and 4) shoplifting. Hubby and I really don't know what to do because to speak to the parents would be telling them things that our niece told one or both of our daughters...and apparently the parents DO know some of this already and have not responded effectively. By turning a blind eye to the extent of the problems, (even allowing her to smoke in their presence), they appear to be enabling, aiding and abetting my niece's behavior.
_____________________________
America Needs Revival. Will you commit to pray for it?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Teen Sexuality - 11/19/2008 11:33:17 AM
|
|
|
cynthia
Posts: 8076
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: stampinlady
The only thing I would add to this would be to not let the "church" raise your children. My christian parents never ever talked to me about sex when I was a teen. Oh, mom had the "girl" talk, but never the do's and don'ts.
Dh and I have a very open relationship with both our teens, (dd15,ds14).
Not to derail the thread, but how important is small group for your teens? We're attending a new start up church and they don't have a youth group nor have they started small groups for the teens yet. I have mixed emotions about youth groups, but know that teens need good christians friends to hang with and share.
You're right. The church cannot raise our children or instill godly values into our children. It should be a suppliment and reinforcement to the teaching they get at home.
You aren't derailing the thread. All these things are part of helping our children stay on the right track. My children do attend youth group. My eldest attends one at church and one for our homeschool support group. Dd2 will start the support group youth group next month, as it starts at age 12. I don't think it has made that much difference for my girls frankly. My eldest has developed a core of good friend and that seems to be good for her.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Teen Sexuality - 11/19/2008 11:37:54 AM
|
|
|
cynthia
Posts: 8076
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: offline
|
Sog, I think the interactions my daughter has had with girls who are struggling has been good for her. She can clearly see that these girls are not happy and are making choices that are making things worse, not better. When kids have a positive, strong relationship with their parents and can work through these things together, it builds kids who have a sense of personal value and personal power. We use this scripture often:
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self discipline.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
