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Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 10:28:35 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
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Background - I've been separated/divorced for 6 years and have full custody of 2 kids (dd 17, ds 14). I have always striven to put my kids' welfare above my own feelings; I have gone to ex-in-law family dinners and events and my kids have never had to feel weird about it or worry about my feelings, I have never talked bad about their dad, I have an excellent relationship with his parents and they will tell anyone that they consider me their daughter. However, the family is highly dysfunctional and behaves as though bizarre and malicious behavior is normal and will go so far as to lecture anyone who speaks up about it or any child who finds fault with an adult.
-The kids' dad has been diagnosed as bi-polar but he refuses the diagnosis and any treatment for it. I'm not 100% sure that's the disorder he has but know without a doubt that he does have some personality disorder (we were married for 21 years).
-Their dad rarely makes an effort to see them. They do see him on Sundays because they also visit their grandparents and spending Sundays with all the family is what has always been done. They regularly come home from being with their dad with broken hearts for one reason or another. Usually it's some demonstration of selfishness that they take personally as him not wanting them or wanting to be with them. I have consistently walked the fine line of not saying anything negative about their dad while trying to assure them that there is nothing wrong with them and their dad loves them as much as he is able to. However, they continue to feel like there is something wrong with them that he doesn't love them.
Current problem - This weekend 17 yr old dd had a falling out with her dad over her dad talking about getting another dog. This will be the 4th or 5th dog he's gotten in 6 years because he gets them, they don't suit him and he gets rid of them in one way or another. DD told him she didn't think that it was a good idea to get another dog and he responded the way he always responds when crossed. He attacked her. I can't remember now what he actually said because she was crying when she was telling me and I was more concerned with her hurt than his actual words.
I think it's imperative for her emotional and mental well-being to really understand that her dad has "issues" that are entirely his own and that she isn't in the wrong and shouldn't doubt herself or feel like there's something wrong with her. I have remembered an event in which her grandmother disagreed with her dad (in the midst of a normal calm conversation) and her dad reached out and grabbed his mother by the hair, pulled her face close to his and snarled the most vicious things at her. It was a horrible thing to witness. Of course there are a million instances of the same behavior directed at me but this isn't about me and I don't want her to be confused by emotions she has that are tied up with me.
Anyway, I think it would make what I think she needs to understand about her dad (and the way his family responds to his behavior) very clear to relate this to her. Would this be considered talking "bad" about her dad or "x-bashing"? Or am I right in thinking she needs a clear picture to understand exactly what's happening so that she can begin to learn how to deal with it in a healthy way?
_____________________________
I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
An original female member of our (mine & Cranky's) Diogenes Club.
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 10:45:09 AM
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armydude
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I don't see it as dad bashing. It seems to me that you would be saying, "You know those hurtful things he says? This is possibly the reason." I do believe she's mature enough to know that you're acting with her best interest at heart.
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 10:50:26 AM
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heremainsfaithful
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I am still married, but when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, we decided to tell the kids. Truth is, with a disorder, there are going to be symptoms and triggers that are sometimes impossible to hide, even with treatment. I agree that gently explaining some of these things would be a good idea.
I think a lot of the line between truth and bashing has to do with the method of telling. For example, Daddy has a problem with drinking too much, and we really need to pray for him as opposed to Daddy is a rotten drunk. Does that make sense?
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Jer. 29:11, II Tim. 2:13, Jude 24, 25
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Eihstein's IQ may be higher than mine, but God's IQ is higher than anyone's.
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 10:59:53 AM
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laura...
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At ages 17 and 14 your children are long past due an explanation and understanding of their father's mental illness. If he had cancer would you have hidden it from them?
Go to http://nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Family-to-Family&lstid=605 and find your local chapter's Family-to-Family Education program. It is a 12-week FREE course for family members of people suffering from mental illness. You and your children need to be educated.
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Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... ...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrew 12:3-4
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 12:15:27 PM
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FunBetty
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I don't see much of a difference between telling GC that her dad has a mental illness and an physical illness. I think it should be handled with the same amount of care.
I believe it's okay to let GC know that her dad has physiological issues that are untreated and therefore should explain *some* of his behavior. However, I would also let her know that if he ever became physically violent towards her - that it is completely inexcusable and should be reported to you immediately so that you can take appropriate action.
There's a difference between protecting and informing your child of objective things, and being subjective.
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My PFY
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 1:04:54 PM
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Kath
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I agree, talking to your kids is not dad bashing. You are explaining his mental health issues, not saying he's a bad dad or a low life or something.
They need to know.
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 1:14:31 PM
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stampinlady
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I agree.
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There is no "cosmic dog whislte. It's gonna be loud folks !!!
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 1:27:57 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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Hmmm. I hadn't really intended to tell them about the bi-polar (or whatever disorder it is). The reason being that if they ever let it slip or even tried to talk to their grandparents about it there would be awful retribution. That would definitely hurt them.
I was going to tell GC about the incident with her grandmother so that she could see that it definitely isn't her. If he would get ugly with his mom, there's no one he wouldn't get ugly with. And to give her the information she needs to have about disagreeing with him. So that she can count the cost first and decide if it's worth it.
_____________________________
I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
An original female member of our (mine & Cranky's) Diogenes Club.
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 1:29:38 PM
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cynthia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
Hmmm. I hadn't really intended to tell them about the bi-polar (or whatever disorder it is). The reason being that if they ever let it slip or even tried to talk to their grandparents about it there would be awful retribution. That would definitely hurt them.
You can explain that you haven't brought this up, because his family has been unable to deal with these issues and they get very upset, so this information is only to help them and is not open for discussion within his family.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 1:34:45 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
Hmmm. I hadn't really intended to tell them about the bi-polar (or whatever disorder it is). The reason being that if they ever let it slip or even tried to talk to their grandparents about it there would be awful retribution. That would definitely hurt them.
You can explain that you haven't brought this up, because his family has been unable to deal with these issues and they get very upset, so this information is only to help them and is not open for discussion within his family.
That's a good way to put it, thank you!
_____________________________
I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
An original female member of our (mine & Cranky's) Diogenes Club.
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 2:16:23 PM
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Kat_D
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Coeur, knowing you and your great love for your kids and how you are always looking out for the best for them, I don't think there is any way you would ever do anything that would hurt them.
Tell them in your loving way about their Dad. God will take it from there.
xox
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 2:20:38 PM
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Taffy_
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kat_D
Coeur, knowing you and your great love for your kids and how you are always looking out for the best for them, I don't think there is any way you would ever do anything that would hurt them.
Tell them in your loving way about their Dad. God will take it from there.
xox
Ditto!
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 2:22:52 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7749
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kat_D
Coeur, knowing you and your great love for your kids and how you are always looking out for the best for them, I don't think there is any way you would ever do anything that would hurt them.
Tell them in your loving way about their Dad. God will take it from there.
xox
I agree. I cannot imagine her saying it in a way that would be mean or try to make the father look "bad." And I'm sure your children will see that. They know you. They know you love them. They know you are not a spiteful person.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 5:04:34 PM
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LMKH
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At this point, based on your post, I would consider explaining the situation to your daughter to be allowing her to her right to self-preservation.
I have some nasty inlaws who sound like your ex. I have had no choice but to explain the situation to my children. It was that or let my children believe it was them, as in, it was the children. Plus, because of the anger and tempers and nastiness there, my children needed to know the truth so they could protect themselves.
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 6:30:42 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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LMKH I think you're right. It seems I still have pockets of twisted thinking about things.
**********
I had a lovely talk with GC this afternoon. She's such a smart cookie. I broached the subject by saying "your dad called me this morning". She immediately said "There's something wrong with him". Yeah, that was my cue.
She wasn't surprised by anything I told her and we did talk about how her grandparents handle the entire situation so she knows that, regardless of how they might say things to put it all on her, they do know that something's wrong. They just don't want to admit it or bring it out into the open.
I think she has a lot to think about and process but she's a level-headed kid and I'm so glad that she has enough sense of what is normal/healthy to recognize unhealthy when she's confronted with it.
_____________________________
I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
An original female member of our (mine & Cranky's) Diogenes Club.
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 6:39:02 PM
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hotsaucygma
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
LMKH I think you're right. It seems I still have pockets of twisted thinking about things.
**********
I had a lovely talk with GC this afternoon. She's such a smart cookie. I broached the subject by saying "your dad called me this morning". She immediately said "There's something wrong with him". Yeah, that was my cue.
She wasn't surprised by anything I told her and we did talk about how her grandparents handle the entire situation so she knows that, regardless of how they might say things to put it all on her, they do know that something's wrong. They just don't want to admit it or bring it out into the open.
I think she has a lot to think about and process but she's a level-headed kid and I'm so glad that she has enough sense of what is normal/healthy to recognize unhealthy when she's confronted with it.
Well she is her mother's daughter...
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Arrogance boasts. Confidence is quiet, it has no need to boast.
Wisdom from an email I received a few days ago.
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/8/2010 7:38:35 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
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quote:
Anyway, I think it would make what I think she needs to understand about her dad (and the way his family responds to his behavior) very clear to relate this to her. Would this be considered talking "bad" about her dad or "x-bashing"? Or am I right in thinking she needs a clear picture to understand exactly what's happening so that she can begin to learn how to deal with it in a healthy way?
If she lived with him all the time at this age, she would see the behavior more clearly for what it really is, so I don't think it would be "bashing" to explain to her in a very matter of fact way that he has some problems.
We(my siblings and I) went through my mom's struggle with mental illness when I was in highschool. I can't imagine it having been hidden as it really affected our lives.
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Ryanne- trying hard to be my husband's girlfriend and my daughter's mother.
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/9/2010 12:50:54 AM
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michele_erin
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Sounds like you handled this very well, and I applaud you for not "bashing" him all these years, even tho he needed one!  I have an ex who is verbally abusive, and also an alcoholic. I was honest with my daughter about the alcohol at one point when the topic came up -- because she's smart (again, one of those kids who is well ahead of where I was!), but I wanted her to know that it wasn't normal and that she needed to be aware of it because it ran in families -- both sides of her family, so as to not bash just him.
As to the verbal abuse -- he seems to not really do it so much with her, only limits it to me and his current girlfriend. I always know when they are fighting because he is super nice to me, and when they are getting along, he is mean to me! Go figure! He's nuts and I'm glad I'm no longer with that mess!
God bless you, and your daughters! Yes, you are doing an awesome job and far more than most women would do in your situation. 
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/9/2010 7:54:43 AM
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W.O.F.
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I am glad you were able to talk to her about this..it will help her deal with things in the future and will prevent her from wanting to "bash" her dad when he does things that are purely out of line.
You did the right thing..and in a loving way.
Way to go!
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Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: Telling the kids the truth about an x-spouse - 3/9/2010 11:57:04 AM
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Boats
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From: Texas
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/agree with the many wise posts above.
There is a difference in "bashing" and the truth.
And your kids well in the range of talking about it.
Having an honest coversation about their Father will help ease
tension, and get a better understanding how to deal with him
My advice is not to force it on them but allow them to question and give
straight answers maybe even some opinion.
boats
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