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looking for.... - 8/20/2009 1:52:17 AM
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Powerchick
Posts: 48
Joined: 6/4/2009
From: Georgia
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I'm interesting in what both ladies and men look for in a husband/wife. Does anyone have a list of specifics or just don't care?
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RE: looking for.... - 8/20/2009 2:25:44 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2692
Joined: 9/26/2007
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Thanks, PowerChick - I LIVE for this question! (and everyone else is going elsewhere because they've heard it all before  ). Here's what DH and I have come up with for vetting suitors for Christian ladies:
- Does he have a reputation as a godly man with his pastor and other mature Christians who've known him for years? Does he get in to his Bible daily, act on what he learns there and deal with his sin quickly? Is he free of habitual or besetting sin? Does he let his understanding that God loves people drive him to love people, too?
- Is he emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually healthy, or willing and determined to become so (and willing to wait until he's got it before asking for her)?
- Does he have the skills necessary for marriage - leadership, conflict resolution, knowledge of how marriage works, financial, social and life skills? Or, is he willing and determined to become so (and willing to wait until he's got a good handle on it before asking for her)? Is he finished with his education and have a career that can support a family?
- Does he have a teachable spirit?
Which boils down to:
Is he godly?
Is he healthy?
Is he ready?
Is he teachable?
Hope this helps!
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: looking for.... - 8/20/2009 10:37:12 AM
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LyricallyCrazy
Posts: 12
Joined: 8/18/2009
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I agree wholeheartedly with deermousie's list! My list is 1) Christian 2) chemistry/connection/click 3) stability (physical, mental, financial).
I think that a man can have all those qualities Deermousie listed and not be the "right" one. You can find a lot of guys who look good on paper but aren't right for whatever reason. ALSO you can meet a lot of men who "feel" right and meet MOST of the criteria... but they have to meet them ALL to qualify.
There is no settling for "he is great with XYZ, but has this one major flaw (everyone has minor flaws) I can overlook because we are so in love." Or "I don't really feel anything for this man, but he would make a perfect husband." (let him be the perfect husband to someone passionate about him!).
I can come up with other things- but they all fall into one of these groups. ie- smoking, addiction, dishonesty would all be ruled out by my 1 & 3 and things like lifestyle, shared interests, whether we want children, etc will be covered in my 2.
I think that it is important that our desired lifestyles could mesh. I know the lifestyle I want, but I don't say- the guy must like the outdoors, must want to live in a specific type of house, etc- but what he and I want has to be compatible. Maybe he doesn't like the outdoors, but maybe he goes on a golf outing (which I would hate) once a month at which time I could go hiking/camping/canoeing with my kids... Maybe he wants kids and I don't want to go through pregnancy again, but he is willing to adopt. Ya know? So, for a lot of things, I am open.
Tara
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RE: looking for.... - 8/21/2009 1:18:31 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1120
Joined: 11/28/2005
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What I looked for----
Is he breathing?
does he have a job?
does he bathe on a regular basis & have good dental hygiene?
does he have a car?
does he put the toliet seat down?
Is he too attached to his mother or to an ex?
How many children does he have? does he support them?
Can he pass a criminal background check?
Are his taxes paid up? How much debt does he have?
Can he give three good personal references from mature Christians?
And any other questions deermousie has lol!
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RE: looking for.... - 8/21/2009 1:50:36 AM
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Powerchick
Posts: 48
Joined: 6/4/2009
From: Georgia
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What I've heard about marriage from a pastor is that it's for men not boys, which I think is so true.
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RE: looking for.... - 8/21/2009 2:21:55 AM
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Powerchick
Posts: 48
Joined: 6/4/2009
From: Georgia
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exactly
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RE: looking for.... - 8/24/2009 11:28:46 PM
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iknownothing
Posts: 77
Joined: 6/10/2005
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I understand that in the church, there are a lot more single women than single men. So I have always wondered, how to single women in the church deal with the issue of the disparity of women versus men? When pastors go to seminary, it this an issue that ever gets discussed? I would be interested in hearing about that.
_____________________________
Ebenezer Scrooge/Henry Potter 2012
"Stop Spending!"
"Your Wallet - The Only Place the Democrats Want to Drill"
Bumper stickers available on wnd.com.
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RE: looking for.... - 8/25/2009 12:53:09 AM
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herestoresmysoul
Posts: 2161
Joined: 3/13/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iknownothing
I understand that in the church, there are a lot more single women than single men. So I have always wondered, how to single women in the church deal with the issue of the disparity of women versus men? When pastors go to seminary, it this an issue that ever gets discussed? I would be interested in hearing about that.
In my experience there are more equal numbers in the young, but as the age goes up the numbers of women to men is greater. Thus by the time you get to middle age, the numbers of availiable men to women is 1 to one 4 I think. If people refuse to compromise by marrying a non Christian then there will be some who never marry I guess especially among those older women who are maybe divorced or widowed. In my church there are a number of divorced women who havent remarried but I dont know of any divorced man who havent remarried so that bears that out. However in the yonug we seem to have fairly equal numbers of men to women.
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RE: looking for.... - 8/25/2009 1:37:21 PM
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BelleWeather
Posts: 2194
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
What I looked for----
Is he breathing?
does he have a job?
does he bathe on a regular basis & have good dental hygiene?
does he have a car?
does he put the toliet seat down?
Is he too attached to his mother or to an ex?
How many children does he have? does he support them?
Can he pass a criminal background check?
Are his taxes paid up? How much debt does he have?
Can he give three good personal references from mature Christians?
And any other questions deermousie has lol!
Because people lie about money and sex all the time, I would add to Jaimes excellent list----
What is his FICO credit score?
Can he pass a STD/HIV test?
_____________________________
What lies behind us and what lies before us
are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
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RE: looking for.... - 8/25/2009 2:56:37 PM
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Mollymouser
Posts: 5854
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: california, land of the happy cows
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What I was looking for in a husband:
1. Verrrrry strong christian / prepared to be the spiritual head of the home / biblically knowledgeable / powerful prayer warrior / mature in his faith / put Christ first in his life
2. never married (or he could be widowed)
3. politically conservative / knowledgeable about current events / registered voter who votes
4. financially stable / making + following a budget / healthy understanding of debt issues / good views on charitable giving (tithing) / educated on financial matters (Crown ministry, Dave Ramsey, etc.)
5. Did not want children.
6. Comfortable with traditonal/conservative roles of husband/wife in the home.
7. Strong love of animals.
8. Bright, intelligent, pursuing a "career" that he felt called to pursue. Hardworking, good work ethic, lots of integrity.
9. Considerate, friendly, funny, kind, silly, playful, serious, supportive, romantic, chivalrous. Slow to anger, quick to forgive, willing to laugh.
10. Accepting of me, with all my foibles and faults.
_____________________________
 MARRIED TO A MILITARY PILOT  PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR TROOPS!
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RE: looking for.... - 8/25/2009 8:40:05 PM
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ForEternity
Posts: 371
Status: offline
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quote:
I wonder how many married people have feuded over which way to hang the toilet paper.
Thank God they invented the plastic toothpaste tubes, long time ago they used to be made of aluminum or something similar, I'm wondering how many couples have gotten divorced over the issue of which part of it to squeeze...
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RE: looking for.... - 3/9/2010 4:34:52 PM
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Powerchick
Posts: 48
Joined: 6/4/2009
From: Georgia
Status: offline
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The guy I'm kinda seeing now is a pastor, and also works at CVS Pharmacy. He's 30(but he looks 25)! He's been married only once, no kids. He and I both want at least one kid. He's one of the most Godly men I've ever known!!! And I know, I know, meeting online is dangerous, he could belying. I hear all the time 'Be careful'! I am.
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RE: looking for.... - 3/10/2010 2:42:16 AM
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serasvictoria
Posts: 543
Joined: 7/10/2009
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Funny story, my husband and I (before we even knew the other existed) were both fed up with dating people who always turned out to be wrong for us. So somehow we both had come up with the idea to make a list, I think we had 25 physical/mental/personality/emotional traits that we had to have in a person for there to be a relationship. Unknowing to the other person, we both searched for people matching our lists. And refused to settle for less. Years later when we finally met and started dating, I found mine and my dh was astounded that we'd had the same idea. He pulled out his list and compared, they described the other person to a "T".
We've now been married for 3yrs and have been together for nearly six. If I can find that original list, I'll post it.
_____________________________
Ghosts Were People Too
Christian By Choice, Southern By the Grace of God
www.facebook.com/toriramone
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RE: looking for.... - 3/10/2010 3:04:29 AM
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gralan
Posts: 2024
Joined: 1/29/2010
From: RV in Texas
Status: online
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Two of the things my wife and I shared prior to our getting married:
(1) the idea that self and the proposed spouse needed to be active disciples of Jesus Christ, not just church goers/members.
(2) we had both given up finding the person we were "looking" for, and started living our lives without that active looking.
BTW. I was married to my wife when I was 36; no priors. 
We've been productively married in the Lord for 14 years now.
Without #1, we think any marriage is doomed.
quote:
ORIGINAL: serasvictoria
Funny story, my husband and I (before we even knew the other existed) were both fed up with dating people who always turned out to be wrong for us. So somehow we both had come up with the idea to make a list, I think we had 25 physical/mental/personality/emotional traits that we had to have in a person for there to be a relationship. Unknowing to the other person, we both searched for people matching our lists. And refused to settle for less. Years later when we finally met and started dating, I found mine and my dh was astounded that we'd had the same idea. He pulled out his list and compared, they described the other person to a "T".
We've now been married for 3yrs and have been together for nearly six. If I can find that original list, I'll post it.
_____________________________
suffering servant, gralan,
BTh student TGSAT
//TrinityTheology.org/
//freecourses.trinitytheology.org/
The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever...
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RE: looking for.... - 3/10/2010 7:02:16 PM
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Powerchick
Posts: 48
Joined: 6/4/2009
From: Georgia
Status: offline
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that is true gralan, without God being in the picture, leading the relationship, the marriage will suffer. And the fact that he and I both agree on it should say alot! God is preparing both of us for marriage someday!
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RE: looking for.... - 3/14/2010 3:18:09 PM
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Gigem08
Posts: 277
Joined: 10/9/2006
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Recently I have been creating a list of needs and strong desires. Here's what I've come up with so far:
Needs
- Must be committed to growth in Christ and not be simply a "fire insurance Christian."
- Must be loving (matt. 22:36-40; 1 cor. 13:4-7; John 15:13)
- Will follow me and be able to thrive as a military wife (ruth 1:16-17)
- Will join me in my ministry and make it our ministry
- Is loyal and will trust me to be the same (prov. 31:11-12)
- Is prudent (prov. 31:26)
- Is frugal (can manage a budget well, I struggle some here)
- Has a love for children and a desire for her own
- A good planner
- Is hospitable
- Will submit to my leadership/authority as I seek our best interest
- Is a servant (mark 10:43-45)
- Beautiful to me (both inwardly and outwardly)
Strong desires:
- Has a gentle spirit
- Enjoys singing (and can sing well)
- Likes to cook
- Likes horses
- Doesn't mind housework much
- Wouldn't mind being a SAHM during our children's early years.
This is a fairly comprehensive list for me at this time. I don't think telling God what you would like as far as a physical appearance is wrong because I think He wants to know what it is we really want. However, I don't really have a specific image in my mind of what she will look like.
_____________________________
Jonathan S. Wilder
I only ask that you be real...
(Me)
(Please call me Jonathan, THANKS!)
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RE: looking for.... - 3/14/2010 9:12:46 PM
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willfs
Posts: 514
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Someone I like .....well someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with. That's who I am looking for! There probably isn't one set of traits that would fit that description. Of course she needs to be a Christian. Maybe hot as well. I say that because I have been around some attractive girls and I really like that part of them and it was one of the things that made me want to spend a lot more time around them. I also liked other things about them as well. I suppose there is the possibilty I could find someone I don't consider hot and still want to marry her. This goes the same with her other traits. One girl I really liked because I liked how she volunteered to pray and she had, what I considered, awesome ethical and political views. She also wanted to use her talent of singing in some kind of ministry. I liked all that but I don't have to have that specifically. Another girl didn't seem to have any of those traits but she led a bible study and was a nice, clean gal. So I guess my wife needs to have some level of spirituality that I like and feel is compatible with mine.
Oh and I completely forgot about fun but that doesn't have a list that goes with it. I don't need a list to figure out what friends I think are fun (or spiritual enough or whatever else I like about them) so I don't think I need one to help me find a wife either.
< Message edited by willfs -- 3/14/2010 11:16:40 PM >
_____________________________
If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
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RE: looking for.... - 3/24/2010 4:17:10 PM
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mec
Posts: 517
Joined: 7/6/2005
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For me..
If still in college some sort of goals she wants, as far as job/career.
Intelligence, knwoledgeable, one who can correct me and stand up to me when I am wrong (yes men can be wrong)
Having a growing spiritual walk, relationship with Christ.
No kids, or sexually active.
Unconditional love, for me and same goes for myself.
Trust, faithful.
Sense of humor is a must, personality, one who cares for more than self.
Gentle heart, kind.
Yes proverbs 31 is good, but as far as work goes, it does not have to be that way. A house is kept by the couple, not the wife doing it all.
Dont read into it meaning more than how she manages the work.
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RE: looking for.... - 3/25/2010 2:45:46 PM
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pressin_on
Posts: 159
Joined: 7/28/2009
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My list started when I was 16ish, and has grown each year and has become more serious and less "he's got to be tall and cute". :)
He must-
Be a growing Christian-His faith is evident in his everyday walk
Push people toward Jesus, brags on Jesus, shares his faith freely
Out of this world-not held captive by this world and possessions, has a heavenly perspective
Has a plan, seeks God's will
Is in the Word daily, loves God's word and knowledgeable in it
Values Family & Marriage-both the idea of it biblically and his own family (loves mother & sisters, respects father, good brother)
Has good friends, godly council
A Leader
Responsible & Respected by many
Wants to be a Father-love kids, is good with kids
Humble-Admits when wrong, says he's sorry & doesn't have a big head :)
A Gentleman, not a Flirt-treats girls as his sisters-in-christ
Endures under trials
Knowledgeable on thing going on in the world, Strong pro-lifer-has the same political stances I have
Hard worker, but not in love with money
Stands up for others- seeks justice, goes against the tide not afraid to be unpopular or have people not like him.
Funny-good humored, makes me laugh, can make fun of himself
Sensitive towards others and their feelings
Even Tempered-not easily angered
Uses time wisely, not a time waster
Knows his weaknesses, is striving to be better
And of course, is attractive to me
Preferences-
Smart
A peacemaker
Speaks his thoughts well
Enjoys watching/following/playing sports
Sporty-likes to be outdoors, be active
Likes animals-especially dogs
Enjoys music
The awesome thing is that when I first started coming up with this I didn't think I could find anyone close. BUT I've meet a several guys who come close....All of these are things I want him to be aiming for- I know no one is perfect but he can be aiming for perfection (2 Cor 13:11).
The scary thing to me is that when/if I find the guy, and he meets most of these... he's probably going to have a list too. How can I expect him to be all this and not think that he would expect the same sort of list of me.
Am I going to pass the list or even come close, does it seem like I'm trying to improve and get better? God's been challenging me to make a list of what I need to work on a strive towards. Proverbs 31 is a good place to start. :)
So, yeah this list is great and I hope/pray that I find someone like this. But instead of focusing on what I want, I really need to focus on what I can improve and be ready for when he comes into my life.
_____________________________
"There's more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy"
1 Corinthians 13:12
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RE: looking for.... - 3/25/2010 4:19:59 PM
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mec
Posts: 517
Joined: 7/6/2005
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also ther are things we want as like not required but preferred.
Sure we ould like dislikes and likes in general to match, sports if any, outdoors, out going, likes camping, being out, just doing things out of the house. I know opposites attract, but not too opposite for myself, i would prefer one who was like minded and had a similar look on life...again just small things, which would be benefitual to me.
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