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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/14/2008 11:27:20 PM
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Keabird
Posts: 785
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I'm married to a hunter too.
I would like to turn your question around and answer it from the other way around:
I think it's understandable that with 3 children already and being pregnant, and having no close friends, that it's not a particularly nice thought to be left on your own for weekends.
HOWEVER - I think as a Christian wife that you could be UNselfish, and cheerfully and graciously work with the situation. Other have made good suggestions - babysitters, etc. Perhaps also you could ask your husband to help arrange for a time in the future when you can arrange for someone to care for all 3 children so the two of you can do something special, or have weekend on your own.
I think the gist of it is that it doesn't need to become an issue, but rather, that the two of you need to learn to recognize when and how each needs space for other things or other interests, and make sure each of you gives the other that opportunity.
We are naturally self-centred creatures so I think you'd find all couples struggle with this in some form at some time.
_____________________________
"The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, but I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/15/2008 7:07:44 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8075
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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I hope you're wrong, AbbyGrace. My husband and I have been married 24 years and I am looking forward to when we can go hunting together again.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/17/2008 3:25:50 PM
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mommyoftwosillykids
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well he went hunting, i kept somewhat busy, and thought well it wasn't that bad but then he came home and he woke me up and i felt so resentful and can't understand why i am so angry with him other than i don't get the time i need, so i am very depressed, he gets to go drink and have fun and get away and i am here alone with three kids and pregnant don't drink for me. Not that i drink much, but i feel this whole thing is unfare.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/17/2008 4:16:30 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8075
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mommyoftwosillykids
well he went hunting, i kept somewhat busy, and thought well it wasn't that bad but then he came home and he woke me up and i felt so resentful and can't understand why i am so angry with him other than i don't get the time i need, so i am very depressed, he gets to go drink and have fun and get away and i am here alone with three kids and pregnant don't drink for me. Not that i drink much, but i feel this whole thing is unfare.
The story is filling in. Let me see if I’ve got this right.
You are a homemaker. You have three little children and are pregnant with #4. Your husband gets off work and goes out with his friends for a beer after work. He comes home and he doesn’t do anything around the house. He goes hunting or whatever else he feels like doing. You are home most of the time. You don’t have friends or activities. You are surrounded by little children all day. You feel cooped up and stuck. You tell your husband about this, but he thinks you’re nagging. The more frustrated you get, the more resentful and upset you become and the less likely your husband is to be at home doing his part in taking care of the home and family. Is this right?
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/17/2008 8:35:52 PM
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MrsTracy72
Posts: 2060
Joined: 2/28/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mommyoftwosillykids
well he went hunting, i kept somewhat busy, and thought well it wasn't that bad but then he came home and he woke me up and i felt so resentful and can't understand why i am so angry with him other than i don't get the time i need, so i am very depressed, he gets to go drink and have fun and get away and i am here alone with three kids and pregnant don't drink for me. Not that i drink much, but i feel this whole thing is unfare.
You know, I totally understand how you feel. I know that you really didn't want him to go in the first place, but there have been times where I WANTED my husband to go somewhere for the weekend when he was invited, and then got angry with him when he came home.
You also mentioned that you are depressed. That doesn't help. I am also willing to bet there was a bit of anxiety with you looking forward to being alone and with the kids. That is alot to take, but you need to remember that sometimes that space you give to eachother is a blessing. He had a need and you let him fulfill it. One day, he should do the same for you.
I go on a retreat every year, and this year, it just happened to fall on my husband's birthday. So I left him with all four kids for four days and one being his birthday. I did it with no guilt or regrets because I know that when he has to or wants to go somewhere, he will.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/17/2008 9:30:00 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8075
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MrsTracy72
You also mentioned that you are depressed. That doesn't help. I am also willing to bet there was a bit of anxiety with you looking forward to being alone and with the kids. That is alot to take, but you need to remember that sometimes that space you give to eachother is a blessing. He had a need and you let him fulfill it. One day, he should do the same for you.
I am getting the impression that her husband is leaving her alone with the kids while he goes out to play on a regular basis. There are a lot of men who do this. There are things she can do about her situation, but we really need to understand what her situation is before we can help her very well.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/17/2008 9:34:53 PM
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MrsTracy72
Posts: 2060
Joined: 2/28/2007
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Oh, I had the impression that it was hunting which is just a season. I don't think she is being selfish, and I totally understand when you tell your husband to go and then get mad at him because I do that all of the time. But at the same time, I do believe that sometimes (not all of the time) couples should take some time out and spend it away from eachother as long as they are doing something worthy and not just out drinking or cheating. My husband chose to go to his friends house up north and just be in the middle of nowhere doing nothing, and I chose to go on a retreat in the middle of nowhere doing alot of learning and reflecting.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/17/2008 9:46:48 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8075
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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MrsTracy, I think what you are talking about is perfectly reasonable and that's what I thought to begin with from what the op said. But now after her post about her husband going out with his buddies and her not going anywhere, I'm thinking that this is a pattern, not just a season issue.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/17/2008 10:01:30 PM
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MrsTracy72
Posts: 2060
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Well that is a different story then. I would say that the two of you need to sit down and talk and plan your family time, and your alone time for eachother, and a date night. That should help you both be on the same page.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/18/2008 12:05:26 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8075
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Flintejae
do you know what MOPS is? Can you reach out some how? Being isolated is a horrible thing. It kills you slowly.
Yep, isolation is a bad thing. Even if your husband doesn't change his ways, there are things you can do to make your situation better. MOPS is a great program. While the mothers are doing something fun or interesting, the children are in nursery.
I adore my children. I have three that are 14, 11 and 9. We homeschool, so I am home with them as much as a mom with babies, plus I am driving them around to their activities. Even though I adore them, it is very important for me to have a balance where my needs are being met. I can't be with them all day, everyday non-stop. That isn't healthy for me. (Maybe it is for some, but I do not fall into that catagory.) So I find ways to get out of the house, spend time with friends, connect with my husband. It is very important not to stay in a place where you are feeling overwhelmed and taken advantage of. Even with an inconsiderate spouse, you can do something about it.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/18/2008 2:49:04 PM
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all4aremine
Posts: 57
Joined: 7/24/2008
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I was one that said op was being selfish, but now getting a little more insight- I would say dh is being very selfish. When I said my dh goes hunting for the weekend, the first thing he does is come home and helps with the house or gives me my time with him or without him and the kids whatever I choose. Also my dh does not go anywhere except hunting with his friends and most of the time I go with him and his friends. Whatever he is allowed to do, I am can do and he will take the kids. If he can go drink beer after work, then when he got home I would say here take the kids- I am going shopping for awhile BY MYSELF
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RE: Am I being selfish? - 11/19/2008 11:12:05 AM
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kidV1
Posts: 24
Joined: 11/19/2008
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You have every right to feel the way you do about the quality time with your husband. I have similar issues with my wife and my 4 girls that I have. We are constantly fighting for time with each other. She is either to tired to do anything or I am having to work all weekend. I used to go golfing every weekend that I had off this summer because I thought it was my free time away from everything that was pressuring in my life at home and work. Your husband may feel that is his way to escape the pressure. I personally did get relief form it but found out that I was just running from the facts and that I was just trying to put off the fact that I was loosing connection with my wife and kids. Try just telling him that you know it's somthing you know he enjoys and helps him relax but that you feel left out and want to be able to connect with him again. My wife is a wonderful person whom really puts me above a lot of things and she told me that I needed to be home more and what really made me kind of wake-up was when she felt like we were more room mates than husband and wife. I (don't know about all guys) have to be shown the big picture and sometimes it does have to be pushed in our faces to see exactly how things are. I hope everything works out. God bless you.
Mike
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