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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/5/2010 1:12:03 PM
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heremainsfaithful
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One thing no one has addressed so I will: meeting the birth-parents. Growing up, my parents were always very open about what they knew, and they told me that any time was wanted to look when I was older, they would help.
Then, at 30, I had health issues, and family health history was important. So my research-loving DH went on the search. He found each of them. After I talked to bmom the first time, I called my parents. They were NOT happy. My mom was terrified. I think she thought that I would find my bmom, feel this Lifetime movie connection, and she would be replaced. Of course that did not happen. I won't go into the personal details of each of my b-parents, but even though they are nice people, meeting them made me MORE glad I was adopted.
I just wanted to share that because it is a possibility that birth-parents may come into play. My parents are fine with it now, but it did throw them at first.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/5/2010 1:13:18 PM
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his_chosen
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Two of my cousins were adopted. My aunt and uncle had always wanted children but were not able to have their own. My cousin had been abandoned by his birth mother. She was in her 20's and wasn't able to care for him. He was passed between friends and family members before finally being placed in foster care, then adopted. What other options were there for him? His birth mother coundn't care for him. His birth family for whatever reason couldn't care for him. He was adopted and raised in a stable two parent family. He is now married and has a beautiful baby daughter.
The other cousin was adopted as an infant. His birth mother was 13yo and had used drugs adn alcohol. He has numerous delays because of it. My aunt home schooled him, working through his numberous learning disabilities. He is now living on his own. Again, what other options were there? His birth mother was too young and irresponsible to care for him.
Our family made no distinction as to how either came into the family. They were simply cousins. There was a family celebration when the adoption was final. Other than that, it's not like the adoption was secret, it just was never talked about.
As far as rejection issues? I have my own rejection issues even though I was never physically given up by my parents.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/5/2010 2:10:04 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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quote:
I however do feel that if people are going to adopt they need to understand that these feelings do come up and they need to be prepared in case they do.
Absolutely! Why do you think I'm running my fingers????? To give others (those who may be reading but not posting) some ideas about how to handle the very real issues adoption brings with it. As Sharon-Marie said, issues are not unique to adoptees nor are they worse than the issues that many non-adopted people have to deal with. They are just different issues. But they don't come up in every day conversation much so talking about ways to handle them here is a good thing.
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Sharon-Marie, great post #42
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Heremains, thank you for sharing your story. My kids know that I will give them the info for contacting the adoption agency and going through them to contact their birth mothers when they are 18 and if they want it. I've always been prepared for them to want to meet their birth moms (daughter more than son, I'm not sure he will). I think it's natural and healthy (not to say that deciding not to is unhealthy)...
But I NEVER thought of them going about finding their birth mothers on their own without me knowing about it ahead of time (and being emotionally prepared). I'm so glad you brought it up so that I can get myself emotionally ready for that possibility.
_____________________________
I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
An original female member of our (mine & Cranky's) Diogenes Club.
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Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 9:30:49 AM
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pink..
Posts: 11017
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I did find my birth parents and I'm glad that I did. I've always known that we were adopted. (I was eight years old when the adoption happened.) I've always known that we were placed for adoption because my birth mom was abusive. My birth father was absent. (I made contact with him, but he isn't interested in a reunion.) The man who claimed to be my birth father (his name is on my original birth certificate and he is my sister's birth father) left her too. I'm glad that my birth mom and I were reunited because it gave me a chance to talk to her and to forgive her. We were reunited in June 1999 and she passed away the day before Thanksgiving in 2001. She had been sick for sometime with a brain tumor and I think that she needed to know that she was forgiven before she passed away.
HRF is right, many people say some things that can get on an adoptees and their parent's nerves. During the year and a half that we were together, people would refer to my birth mom as my mother. She wasn't. That even made her uncomfortable. She has a sister who I had to cut off contact with. This sister insists that she was my mom and would get mad when I would call my birth mom by her first name and not "mom." I get along with most of the rest of her family rather well though.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 10:46:28 AM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 1891
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quote:
ORIGINAL: willfs
I need to admit from the start that I am totally ignorant of this topic but would like to be schooled. I am considering giving to an organization that helps with adoptions. I just have one or two reservations and questions. Please don't take this as me stating truths but only trying to get to the truth.
Every adult, child I know that was adopted has some terrible issues that made them stand out big time. I fear they are only thought of a some kind of project, instead of a son/daughter, to their parents.
Is adoption good? Would it be better for them to not be in an orphanage than be in a home where maybe they are not really that wanted?
hmm...I have several friends who were adopted...and none of them were merely projects to their adoptive parents. They were children. In fact, if it wasn't for the fact they had been told they were adopted...they would never have known (and some of them were adopted into families with natural born children!). I have only known a couple of them who had issues later on..but they turned out to be genetic ones (mental illness), but that did not change their relationship in anyway.
Considering the high death rates of orphanages when it comes to infants (and you can find the stats for this by taking a basic college psych course) due to "failure to thrive due to lack of emotional bonding".....NO...orphanages are not the way to go. Check out orphanages in other countries as well.
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Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 10:48:05 AM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 1891
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quote:
ORIGINAL: his_chosen
As far as rejection issues? I have my own rejection issues even though I was never physically given up by my parents.
AMEN...those come from being a human....
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Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 12:28:22 PM
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LMKH
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Chances are, you know a lot of adopted people and just do not know they are adopted because it was never brought up.
PLUS, from my experience, there are adopted children who have issues because of the parents. Back when I was a teacher, long ago, I met various parents whose children were adopted who were very quick to dismiss any and all problems their children had as being the birth mother's fault. I have heard too many remarks along the lines of "you never know what you are going to get" in reference to adopted children. I have also heard some people who are adopting referring to it as a ministry, which is rotten. ANYONE who has the priviledge of having a child, whether through birth or adoption, should feel lucky, blessed, and so on. Not like they are doing some sort of charity work.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 12:32:25 PM
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LMKH
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I am curious to if you were adopted and trying to work through some related issues? You don't have to answer if you do not wish to.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 12:37:53 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4306
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quote:
ANYONE who has the priviledge of having a child, whether through birth or adoption, should feel lucky, blessed,
Needs to be said and emphasized again.
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I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
An original female member of our (mine & Cranky's) Diogenes Club.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 12:57:30 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7749
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LMKH
I have also heard some people who are adopting referring to it as a ministry, which is rotten. ANYONE who has the priviledge of having a child, whether through birth or adoption, should feel lucky, blessed, and so on. Not like they are doing some sort of charity work.
Rotten? I think that is really harsh. To take a child who has no home simply for the reason of blessing that child with a family who loves him is not luck. It is a conscious effort to reach out to an orphan to bless him. If I were to adopt a child, we would only do it in order to take the child out of the place of having no place to really call home and no one to call Mom and Dad into a place where he would have security and hope. I don't know how that is not ministering. Our family would certainly be blessed by this, but in the Bible, the word talks about adoption as a privlege, not as God "should be lucky, blessed and so on" to have me. But that we should be thankful that the Lord took us, through great sacrifice, into His family as adopted children of God.
For many family who adopt, it is a sacrifice. One they willingly make to love and nuture someone who doesn't have what he otherwise needs. If they want to look at that as a ministry, I don't see how that is wrong, bad or "rotten."
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 1:32:34 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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I see what you're saying, Cynthia. But I think it's important to see it from an adoptee's POV, too. No one wants to think or be told that their parents took them on as a ministry.
I KNOW that's not what you're saying and that's not anything you would say to a child.
But for those who were adopted here and are reading, it's painful. Adopted children become the children of their adoptive families with an equal status to those of the biological children. Biological children are wanted because they are wanted, there is never any question of the parents doing something for them by having them. From an adoptee's POV what you've said is that they weren't wanted for themselves and that they should feel grateful that their parents took them on as a ministry.
quote:
For many family who adopt, it is a sacrifice. One they willingly make to love and nuture someone who doesn't have what he otherwise needs.
What you've said here is true. But it's also true of having children biologically and that is never brought up. We don't bring up the sacrifices we make for our children. Often because we don't really see it as that much of a sacrifice but also because how would that make the children feel? Do we want them to have the idea that they owe us something because we bore them and raised them?
Some have brought up the issue of feeling abandoned and not fitting in and it's because we continue to think about and talk about adopted children as different from biological children. They are different only in the sense that each of our children is different from the others and, sometimes, in that they have experiences that we weren't part of. Once the adoption is complete that child is a child of the family in every possible sense who is exactly equal with any other children in that family.
Our adoption by God and adopting a child ourselves has many practical differences. God has no need of us - period. So of course the privilege and blessing are all on our side. I don't mean to nitpick but I feel very strongly that we should always consider how our words will affect 1) the adopted child (even when they are adults) and 2) the birth parents. And that the underlying thinking behind so many myths and falsehoods about adoption need to be cleared up whenever they occur.
_____________________________
I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
An original female member of our (mine & Cranky's) Diogenes Club.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 1:35:45 PM
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willfs
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
quote:
ORIGINAL: LMKH
I have also heard some people who are adopting referring to it as a ministry, which is rotten. ANYONE who has the priviledge of having a child, whether through birth or adoption, should feel lucky, blessed, and so on. Not like they are doing some sort of charity work.
Rotten? I think that is really harsh. To take a child who has no home simply for the reason of blessing that child with a family who loves him is not luck. It is a conscious effort to reach out to an orphan to bless him.
Good points cynthia. It also might have to do with what people think of ministry. Real ministry is a privilege (and something I can write about a lot better than doing) and not something where we help those lowly others who are our "projects". When I first started this thread, I feared that many parents adopted and treated their kids like some ministry project instead of a child they had a real parent/child relationship with. But I am starting to think you can do both. I don't mean treat them like a project but you can see them as someone you feel the need to take into your life for their welfare and also as one of the best things to happen to you.
also cynthia, great quote. Needed to read that today.
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If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 1:48:52 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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Long ago I took a course in order to lead classes in presenting the truth about adoption and dispelling the false ideas/information. The classes were for churches but, in all these years, I've never found church people who were the slightest bit interested.
In any case, that is part of why I jump on things. I don't apologize for what I've said but I do sincerely apologize if I've made you all wish I'd just shut up!
_____________________________
I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
An original female member of our (mine & Cranky's) Diogenes Club.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 1:53:40 PM
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cynthia
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I think all children should be thankful to their parents for the sacrifices their parents make for them. Otherwise it seems like an attitude entitlement to me. That doesn't mean that the parents are not blessed and happy to have the children. It should be mutual. I guess that's part of what I am saying. Children and parents need to appreciate each other.
There are different reasons why people adopt. Some people adopt because they desire a child and could not have any of their own. Others adopt because they see that there are orphans who are floundering without a family. Who want the government as a parent! The government isn't a loving nuturing parent who personally loves and instructs a child to be a healthy, well adjusted person. If I ever were to adopt a child, it would not be out of a need for a desire for another child, but out of my concern for a child to give them a better life. Of course, once the child was in my home, I wouldn't treat them like a charity case, but as part of the family and would welcome him in as one of us, but what would spark it initially would not be anything of my need, but of my concern for the needs of someone else and how I might be able to meet those needs.
I hope this makes sense. I do understand that, if I were adopted, I would not want to feel like the poor relative who was adopted out of charity, but never really fit in. My best girlfriend had that experience. She was adopted when she was seven, by her relatives. They really did treat her badly and she never really knew if she was loved as a daughter or not. In fact, when her adopted mother died, my friend was a bit surprised when she and her sister (the two were adopted together) received an inheiritance. I would never want to inflict that kind of heartache on anyone. If someone wants to adopt, it is very important that they consider whether or not they could open their heart to a stranger and make that stranger like their own flesh and blood. I think that is a hard thing to do and that some people may not consider it when they make a choice to adopt. I wouldn't consider adoption of a younger child, but perhaps an older child. We would all have to have room in our hearts and our home.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 2:08:21 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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quote:
I hope this makes sense. I do understand that, if I were adopted, I would not want to feel like the poor relative who was adopted out of charity, but never really fit in.
Yes, you make sense. And I completely understand what you said in the prior paragraph. And, indeed, about the mutuality of the blessings of adoption. I pray my kids are as blessed by me as I am by them. Naturally, in the cases of adopting older children, sibling groups, disabled children, etc. the first impetus for considering adoption is the desire to give them a life they wouldn't otherwise have. But there also has to be the wanting and because that is maybe overshadowed by the other we don't think of it. But people who don't want children generally don't adopt any.
Does that make sense? And, as I said, I only brought it up because when we focus on what we are doing for them, without stressing the mutuality, adult adoptees can have a hurt rubbed open.
And I think it's important for people considering adoption for any reason to understand that, once the final papers are signed, that child is, in every way that matters, their child. There is no distinction legally and there should be none emotionally, morally, psychologically or any other way between them and a biological child.
ETA ~ I should make clear that I am always talking about adoption through a competent and reputable agency. Private adoptions can run the gamut and there can be no generalizations because anything can happen with them.
< Message edited by CoeurdeLeon -- 3/6/2010 2:15:19 PM >
_____________________________
I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
An original female member of our (mine & Cranky's) Diogenes Club.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 2:31:18 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7749
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: willfs
I don't mean treat them like a project but you can see them as someone you feel the need to take into your life for their welfare and also as one of the best things to happen to you.
Yes, that is what I mean. Thank you.
quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
Long ago I took a course in order to lead classes in presenting the truth about adoption and dispelling the false ideas/information. The classes were for churches but, in all these years, I've never found church people who were the slightest bit interested.
In any case, that is part of why I jump on things. I don't apologize for what I've said but I do sincerely apologize if I've made you all wish I'd just shut up!
I read a quote in this article:
quote:
"If my Bible math is right, God reminds us 47 times to take care of widows and orphans," Daly said. "This country has something like 300,000 churches and 130,000 orphans. The math is pretty simple."
Something about that quote just struck me to the core. These kids need families. I think the reasons this discussion is having such a reaction in me at the moment is that people are not wanting more children. That is not what pri cks their hearts. They are moved by the needs of the children. If people don't feel moved to help, they are not going to adopt. If you try to get people to help by telling them what a blessing these children are, it will have no impact.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 2:40:29 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7749
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
But there also has to be the wanting and because that is maybe overshadowed by the other we don't think of it. But people who don't want children generally don't adopt any.
Does that make sense? And, as I said, I only brought it up because when we focus on what we are doing for them, without stressing the mutuality, adult adoptees can have a hurt rubbed open.
Yes, it does make sense, but it is the opposite of what I typed and then came back and read that you had posted while I was typing. There are some people who have absolutely no desire for more children, but their hearts are moved when they see the need of a child. My heart has been moved by the needs of the children and has gotten me to thinking. I don't know if we have room or not. At the moment, we are in the process of finding out if my nephew will come live with us. We have room in my son's room for another boy, but if my nephew comes, he will take that spot.
We'll see where the Lord leads and what He has planned. If He leads us to adopt, I'm sure He will open our hearts to bless and be blessed.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 3:16:05 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7749
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
I understand what you're saying, thank you for explaining your perspective.
We are looking at (and talking from) different life situations. Because you are already a parent, you have a pretty good idea of the cost to your family as well as the ways in which you'll be blessed. I think that you are mostly referring to older children, as well?
I have been speaking mostly about infant or very young child adoption (although much of what I've said applies to all adoption) so I think we each have different portions of the big picture?
I just encourage us all to reflect on how what we express is perceived and the importance of not using language that gives the impression, however unintentionally, that people who come from families created by adoption are somehow 'less than'. 
You're right. We are looking at different aspects. I am focused on older children.
Thank you for responding to me graciously. You are right that we must keep in mind how things are perceived from the point of view of the child. I think if we remember that each of us is precious to the Lord and consider children as precious, that helps a lot. If we did adopt an older child, we would work to develop a relationship with the child and to grow as a family. In that, hopefully the child would feel free to discuss how he felt and for us to learn together. We all fall short of the glory of God, but He gives us all the grace we need. I trust in His grace for raising my children and am sure that if He leads us to adopt, His grace will cover us to help our family work together for the benefit and blessing of us all.
_____________________________
Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 3:30:09 PM
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silent12
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Firstly, I am aware that many adoptees are happy, well-adjusted individuals. But I have seen so many teenager and adults who have been adopted and have been really hurt by it.
I have three main issues with adoption.
Firstly, international adoption. Unless you are of the culture/race, you shouldn't adopt from that country. Exceptions can be made, in my mind, for very sick children but really even then, it's not fair on the child. It would be much more helpful to donate money or go over and help in orphanages. I know a lovely girl who helped set up a system of care is Russia which helped grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins/siblings etc. to raise a family child. The outcome for that child will be much more positive than for one left in an orphanage or one adopted out of their culture.
Despite the fact that there are many adult international adoptees saying that they feel so lost (because they are neither a part of their A-parents culture nor a part or their B-parents culture) we are still allowing children to be adopted out without the proper thought to emotional harm. I have known many to move back, devastating their A-parents only to realize that they don't fit there either. They don't speak enough of the language, they don't understand the customs and they can't function there. I recently received a horrific email from a 22 year old adoptee who had found her sister. The adoptee had struggled her whole life because she loved her parents, but she felt this "loss" and she couldn't tell her parents because she knew it would hurt them. Her sister worked in a large company and was happily married and had a little baby. She had grown up in the orphanage and despite the negative image or orphanages she lived a happy life there. The adoptee wanted so badly to be happy but couldn't, and when she came home to her parents and got a job. It didn’t fulfill her and she was in and out of hospital because she wasn’t looking after herself. She continued to lie to her parents, afraid to upset them while she was an emotional wreck. She tried to kill herself and failed, she is still in a sense of limbo years after.
Secondly, infant adoption. Most people who give up their children would be perfectly capable of raising their child, but our culture says that you have to be married and wealthy and a whole bunch of things which most people aren’t. Therefore, they hand their babies off to someone, married and wealthier who tries their best to make up for what they have lost because of their perceived “abandonment”. Because, whichever way you look at it, the person who is meant to love them the most (their mother) didn't want them. Their are also exceptions to this, people who have mental/physical problems preventing them from raising a child. But even in these circumstances family members are likely to be able to care for the child.
Thirdly, older child/foster care adoption requires people who are willing to give up the majority of their life. These children are likely to be extremely damaged, abused and unloved. They could be neglected to the point of not knowing emotions and therefore are likely to be extremely mentally ill as they grow up. Someone taking on these children should have experience with damaged children, yet currently these kids are being adopted by first-time parents who don't know what to do and either hand them back or struggle through, most likely damaging them further.
I know that my opinion may seem extreme, but I have been a counselor to quite a few adoptees and have had personal friends adopted. My friend Siah was adopted as a young child, as were her 5 siblings. Despite being married and well educated, they still feel that they have lost something. Her birthmother went on to have more children who are happy and healthy, and she probably could have coped with Siah also. I just feel that so many adoptions are totally unnecessary, and that many people would be a lot happier if they had been raised where God had put them.
I didn't have the greatest childhood (despite being raised by my married, wealthy parents) and their may have been some great family who would have loved to have me and helped me deal with all of my issues. Yet, I wouldn't have had my siblings, I wouldn't have met my husband. I would not have the great friends which I have now. It's my parents were "bad" that these relationships are so strong.
I believe that there should not be this separation between the birth-family and the adopted-family. I am definitely a supporter in open adoption over closed.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 4:05:13 PM
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willfs
Posts: 514
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
Long ago I took a course in order to lead classes in presenting the truth about adoption and dispelling the false ideas/information. The classes were for churches but, in all these years, I've never found church people who were the slightest bit interested.
In any case, that is part of why I jump on things. I don't apologize for what I've said but I do sincerely apologize if I've made you all wish I'd just shut up!
Our church just started an adoption ministry, one that isn't just for those who adopt children but also about trying to involve others who don't feel they should adopt but would like to help orphans and the adoption process in some way. I am not sure what it is all about. But that is what lead me to this start this thread.
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If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 4:27:24 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 7749
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: online
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One of the areas that my family gives is in helping to support orphanages. I have never heard anyone say it is better to be raised in an orphanage than in a loving adoptive family. I have a cousin who worked as a missionary in an orphanage. She and her husband could not have biological children, so they adopted from the orphanage where my cousin worked in Thailand.
Everyone has issues, as someone else said. There is no perfect family or perfect life. Maybe there isn't enough discussion in some families where the children are adopted, about the adoption and the implications. I don't know. It would depend on the family. If we ever adopt, it will be an open topic.
I understand people wanting open adoption, but if I were to adopt an older child, the reason the child was available for adoption would almost certainly be that the child was either abused, neglected or both. Surely that cannot be ignored. The child needs to be able to process through that. Also I would not allow the biological parents contact with my child until the child was an adult and could decide for himself. Children do not know what is best for themselves. That is one of the reasons that God gave us parents rather than being like cats who are only with their parents for a few weeks and then off on their own. Children need to be nutured and instructed until they have developed the skills to take care of themselves. Putting them in contact with people who hurt and abandonded them sounds like a really bad idea and counterproductive in helping them to heal and then to grow into healthy, happy adults. As CoeurdeLeon pointed out, these issues are quite different for babies than they are for older children who have known and been harmed by their parents.
Babies are often given up by people who could be good parents, but older children are either the product of severely dysfunctional families who would not/could not care for their children or their parents died. The dynamics are quite different from one to the other.
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Often times the battle is the worst right before a breakthrough. In order to get us to give up, the devil wants us to think we are losing, when in fact we need to fight on to victory.
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RE: Adoption... is good... right? - 3/6/2010 4:31:30 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4306
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Inside my head
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
I understand what you're saying, thank you for explaining your perspective.
We are looking at (and talking from) different life situations. Because you are already a parent, you have a pretty good idea of the cost to your family as well as the ways in which you'll be blessed. I think that you are mostly referring to older children, as well?
I have been speaking mostly about infant or very young child adoption (although much of what I've said applies to all adoption) so I think we each have different portions of the big picture?
I just encourage us all to reflect on how what we express is perceived and the importance of not using language that gives the impression, however unintentionally, that people who come from families created by adoption are somehow 'less than'.
You're right. We are looking at different aspects. I am focused on older children.
Thank you for responding to me graciously. You are right that we must keep in mind how things are perceived from the point of view of the child. I think if we remember that each of us is precious to the Lord and consider children as precious, that helps a lot. If we did adopt an older child, we would work to develop a relationship with the child and to grow as a family. In that, hopefully the child would feel free to discuss how he felt and for us to learn together. We all fall short of the glory of God, but He gives us all the grace we need. I trust in His grace for raising my children and am sure that if He leads us to adopt, His grace will cover us to help our family work together for the benefit and blessing of us all.
I pray you are abundantly blessed in whatever ways you follow God's leading in this. I appreciate the dialog with you.
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I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
An original female member of our (mine & Cranky's) Diogenes Club.
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I am very strongly in favor of educating about adoption as there are so many so willing to push their opinion based on anecdotes rather than legitimate research and information. The saying "The squeaky wheel gets the grease" also applies here. It is usually only the dissatisfied who are heard from. The happy and well-adjusted don't bring it up.