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RE: poem: A New Math of Love - 3/4/2010 6:37:24 PM
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techne
Posts: 396
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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okay... here are my initial thoughts...
quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
Filing up
the pill organizer,
I think of you . . .
who portions out words
like recommended daily allowances,
i quite like this start - it begins with a mundane physical task and moves into emotional territory. what i'm not convinced by is the "think of you". i think that is already implied. perhaps something like 'i am reminded of you'? that portioning of words is killer (i wish i had written that!)
quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
meant to nourish, to supplement, to add on to
i understand what you're doing here - i too am a fan of lists - but i think the phrases are too similar. nourish + supplement might work, but 'add on to' doesn't. i'm also not convinced by the line breaks. i like the slowness of the language - try using more of that - a line space is lazy pacing.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
but whose rationing feels anything
but
additional.
again, i'm not convinced by the line breaks, and this feels like you're simply restating the first few lines. i like the idea of rationing. is there something else that is being rationed here? or is something not rationed at all that can be a contrast? play more with that ironic tone. the "but/ additional" is playful but doesn't help with the rhythms you're establishing, both metric and emotional. and thank you for using "whose" properly.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
Truly, the arithmetics of loving language
[in some worlds]
reveals a paucity.
about those line breaks - this is the only place that feels natural for that since it signals a shift in the tone. i would get rid of "loving", and simply leave the [lovely] phrase of "the arithmetics of language" since we're already implying certain kinds of relationships and the wounding possibilities of words, how they are measured and weighed. i think that introducing the numerical conceit requires that you continue that language/ metaphor - "paucity", while a great word, doesn't fit with the imagery and tone you've established. i would also think that the bracketed phrase isn't required - we know there are differences between how the players here see their words and actions.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
The minuses are greater than the pluses.
nope. i'd like to see some emotional weight to the language. or else something really flat, like the first few lines. it's awkward.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
And I am hungry
to know what you think.
ok - i'll let you get away with this, but only this time. it's very close to cliche - popping pills, popping words.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
Yet I will
starve . . .
and the silence subtracts
bits
of my regard for you
each day.
again, i'm not a fan of the spacing. and i sit really about starving for the right words or is it that the wrong were were the narrator's portion? "starve/ silence" start to confuse things. this might work better if you had introduced more of that starving for words of life earlier, say, in the "truly" section. and "regard" feels quite archaic here. again, lovely word but perhaps not the right tone. and then regarding brings in a vision element that wasn't really there before. i prefer the focus on counting and measuring, and what goes in and comes out of our mouths.
overall, there's a really nice rhythm and tightness to the language. i just think you need to create pace and space with the language and the imagery, not with line spaces. longer lines will help with that, especially if you pay attention to the rhythm, assonance, images. it's already quite an interior poem - you don't need to do that with the spacing. i love the metaphors you're using to explore language and its effects, and how that keeps slipping back and forth. there are a lot of implied actions of the mouth - i'd like to see more of that (trope? meme?): pills, words, nourishment (food), rationing, hungry, starve, silence, bits (bites) - can you bring more focus there? and it would be nice to bring out that beautiful image of the "arithmetic of language" with more complex and intricate images. after all, mathematical proofs are referred to as elegant solutions. find more of them.
_____________________________
I don't deny that there should be priests to remind men that they will one day die. I only say it is necessary to have another kind of priests, called poets, to remind men that they are not dead yet. - G. K. Chesterton
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RE: poem: A New Math of Love - 3/4/2010 7:03:50 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 2977
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: techne
okay... here are my initial thoughts...
I was hoping you'd find this!! Thank you, in advance. 
I am digesting (no pun intended) your feedback -- you certainly didn't ration your critique. Blessedly not! 
There's so much to take in, process, and then decide what to do about... It's going to take me a few days to compose a reply... and a follow-up revision.
Again, thank you, techne!! I believe my writing has improved b/c of your mentorship and feedback over the past few years. \o/
quote:
ORIGINAL: ta_mosquito
I'm not a writer, nor a critic, but I liked it a lot.
However, I had to look up "paucity." 
Heh, heh. I figured someone would have to. It's one of my favorite "chewy" words.
Thank you, though. 
_____________________________
"I like to stride, not mince." -- Maggie
Prayer thread for singles who desire to marry someday
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RE: poem: A New Math of Love - 3/5/2010 1:42:59 PM
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Mark0
Posts: 107
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline
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OK I had to look up paucity, too. I'm glad you put the note if first. Sometimes when people write sad poetry, it's hard to tell how to help them. Having said that, I like the general flow of the lines and the spacing. You misspelled filled in the first line unless you meant filed down the pill bottle.
Truly, the arithmetics new math of love of loving language I think your title fits in nicely there
[in some worlds]
reveals a paucity.
The minuses are greater than the pluses.
the - are > the + (Wanna do some new math here? Just a crazy thought. You could get away with a lot of math symbology in the whole poem, why not?)
And I am hungry nonplussed
to know the sum of what you think.
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RE: poem: A New Math of Love - 3/5/2010 2:37:05 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 2977
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mark0
OK I had to look up paucity, too. I'm glad you put the note if first. Sometimes when people write sad poetry, it's hard to tell how to help them.
Heh, heh. 
Yeah. I hear ya on the counseling bit.
Just for the record...
When I post here in Writers Roundtable, I'm doing it about the writing, not to get encouragement (unless it's about my writing... then encourage at will! ) and counseling. If I'm feeling blue and want input to help me feel better, I'll post that in the pertinent folder.
I don't normally post my own original work here (be it a first draft or a revision) unless I genuinely want feedback and critique. And with this one, I certainly do! So thank you for joining in!
quote:
ORIGINAL: Mark0
Having said that, I like the general flow of the lines and the spacing. You misspelled filled in the first line unless you meant filed down the pill bottle.
Well, thank you!
Hmm... yep, you caught the typo. I didn't. It is supposed to be filling. Thanks!
quote:
Truly, the arithmetics new math of love of loving language I think your title fits in nicely there
Then the added phrase would need to be set off by commas, wouldn't it?
quote:
[in some worlds]
reveals a paucity.
The minuses are greater than the pluses.
the - are > the + (Wanna do some new math here? Just a crazy thought. You could get away with a lot of math symbology in the whole poem, why not?)
That's a possibility, if I keep that line.
quote:
And I am hungry nonplussed
Hmm... were you suggesting a replacement or an addition? I'm a bit confused here.
quote:
to know the sum of what you think.
Well, that could work if that's what the poem was about... but it's really about the fact that at any moment that I wanted to know what the person was thinking, it was really hard to get him to spit it out. Years later, now I realize that I was rather impatient with him. So... it was a combo of (1) his reservedness and his diligence (albeit slow, to my view) in figuring out what he thought and what he wanted to say and (2) my misunderstanding his affection and style of showing it [I didn't realize that he did really care for me, as a dear sister in Christ and friend] and my impatience. It took observing him in a relationship with another woman (who is also a dear friend -- they recently got engaged! yay!) to understand him better. Strange... that it took distance, rather than closeness, to "get" him. (Well, I did get some "insider" info from his gal. She appreciates him for who he is far more, and far more deeply, than I ever did.)
So... I'm over the unrequited love and see him only as a brother in Christ and friend... but the experience, how he related to me, and how I related to him... still intrigues me. And it truly was when I was filling up my pill organizer for the week that the metaphors popped into my head. Plus, I figured that I wasn't the only woman to have ever experienced the challenge of getting to know a man who is not as demonstrative and communicative as she is or as she would like him to be. Thus, the "speaker" in the poem is based on me but ultimately shouldn't be synonymous with me.
Make sense?
Now that I've done away with the mystery of the poem.... I wonder if it's salvageable!! 
Again, thank you, Mark0!
_____________________________
"I like to stride, not mince." -- Maggie
Prayer thread for singles who desire to marry someday
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RE: poem: A New Math of Love - 3/5/2010 7:44:56 PM
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Mark0
Posts: 107
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline
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OK
Sure if you change to the new math of love, YOU might want to add commas. Butyouknowhowmysenseofgrammarrunstogether. I hate punctuation in poetry, because I can never get it right.
The parts in red were to be taken away and replaced with the parts in blue. The nonplussed seemed good because it's kind of math lingo, but not quite and kind of fits in there.
the sum of what you think. I added sum there because it's another math term.
God Bless You
mark
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